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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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After that, I head to the park on HaTzofim. It’s packed with families, kids running around, and I’m just trying to find a spot to chill. I finally plop down on a bench, and this old guy next to me starts talking about the good ol’ days. He’s going on about how Kfar Yona used to be a small village. I’m thinking, “Yeah, and now it’s a mini metropolis!” But I nod along, pretending to care.

Yuval Baron, 25, Moshe Shuva, 33: Planned Valentine’s Day wedding